Looking for Answers
An exploration of media in search of what I am looking for.
Feb 27, 2025
I have been trying to work on myself more, the eternal project. Though I am not quite sure what I am doing, we don’t exactly get an instruction set from the higher ups. I just want to be someone that can freely study, enjoy themselves, and be motivated once more. For now though my work has consisted of exploring media in search of answers. There have been plenty of generations of humans for me to believe that someone else has hit a wall. Maybe so much so that they decided to leave behind some signs leading the way out.
“If you really want to look at someone, then your only option is to look at yourself squarely and deeply”
I decided to watch Drive My Car on a whim because it was a nice and long film, which I needed in the moment. For a movie that relies on exposition it doesn’t feel overbearing, it feels surprisingly light. I think in part due to its quiet moments where it lets the cinematography breathe. In the modern day where cheap action movies are a dime a dozen, it’s a refreshing story about how we fear losing the status quo, knowing someone else’s true thoughts, and acknowledging our own inner turmoil.
A few years ago I debated if/when I should come out to my family. I had this fear that things would change, not necessarily for the good or bad. But things would change, I had gotten into a comfortable rhythm by then and didn’t want some unknown variable. We often hide an important part of ourselves because we are scared of losing what we have. But the status quo is fickle, things will change it’s just a matter of when.
If we don’t express our feelings no one will ever know. We get to choose what we hide, that’s our immutable right. No matter how empathetic someone else is, they can never read your mind and know your secrets. But in order to hide a part of ourselves, we must be able to kill a little fragment and not weep. So we choose what pain we are willing to suffer, whether that be acknowledgement or secrecy.
“I think I’ve even gotten fed up with being angry. I wonder if I should be watering my own loneliness. I wonder if I did that, then I’d find it. The thing I’m searching for.”
I recently found Ikoku Nikki by chance when looking through the top josei manga of all time. It is truly a masterpiece in my eyes, with its exploration of rarely discussed topics in manga. She addresses the ownership we hold over our own feelings. Along with exploring loneliness and the fear of others only recognizing a single part of you.
The author’s take on loneliness contextualized a feeling I have had for a long time. I have never considered loneliness to be the cause, I am surrounded by people after all. So by definition I don’t think I am alone. But maybe loneliness can mean something a bit more abstract, perhaps we are alone in our individual struggles. We can come together to help heal, but it’s not the cure. We have to fight our own battles in search of that cure, but that doesn’t mean we can’t ask for advice on the formula.
It’s important to remember that you are more than any single adjective. You aren’t simply queer or the kid with dead parents. The inescapable truth is that we are all human first before the pile of labels. Because before everything else you are you and I am me. We are all fighting to be who we want to be in our own ways.
“I don’t want or need everyone else in the world to understand me”
Our Dreams at Dusk was recommended to me by a close friend. I have struggled to explain in the past why I don’t want to educate others on why I am transgender. But I was reminded when reading that I don’t want to have to justify my existence to anyone else. Some find that we are a bit self-centered to think that everyone around us has to accept us, but they seem to forget that they are self-centered to think that it’s natural for everyone to accept them.
Most of us don’t even understand ourselves. The only reason we even look for a reason is because we are seemingly different. If you asked any straight cisgender person “why?” they couldn’t tell you either. The human mind is one of the most inexplicable variables in medicine, we can’t possibly hope to understand each other. All we can do is listen to one another because that’s the extent of what we can see.
“If you’re terrified of living like me, I hope you’ll be fine. Cause we are terrified together in this terrifying time”
I believe that empathy is innate, hating what we can’t understand is taught. When we start to empathize with the oppressed is when we break free from our programming. That’s why books have to give us some moral justification to hate, because otherwise we have no guidance as to why we should.
I had listened to Florist before but never really delved deeper into their discography. They were one of those artists that I had just stumbled upon while listening to my discover weekly. But I was listening to random artists back to back after watching Doechii’s Tiny Desk and rediscovered them. Blue Mountain Road is one of their songs that I found after listening to their entire discography that really resonated with me. There is something about folk music that speaks to your pain while simultaneously embracing you in a calm melody.
“Why is it that when you’re young you act like you can’t do things, even though you can? Act tired even though you’re not? Act like you’re not having fun even though you are? Back then, I was capable of anything. I was invincible I just didn’t know it.”
Sometimes I feel as if I need to remember that I’m young but not so young that I can neglect the future. I graduate next year and I still haven’t accomplished much of what I set out to do. Blank Canvas: My So-Called Artist’s Journey hit a little too close to home with its commentary on youthful bliss and regrets. As a retrospective on her own life, she doesn’t sugar coat her regrets, she lays it out plain as day so you can echo her own concerns. Regrets stick with you, as a lesson to your future self, but we can’t gain them before the mistakes. Adults can tell you every right thing and you can and will still foolishly push forward. Sometimes a lecture will never be as convincing as a first hand experience. So all you can really hope for is that the previous lectures give you a discount so the hands-on lesson doesn’t cost too much.